Domo. :D

YAY.(:
i changed my blog skin. :3
DOMOKUN!

i no longer understand what im waiting for. or maybe its just what i deem as waiting.
i told you to read my blog. you said you will. but in truth, i dont know if you did.
maybe the fact is you really dont understand me. and vice versa.
and thats all that matters.
i dont understand why my mood fluctuates so easily cause of you.
its as if the remote control of my emotions is no longer with me,
and its already in your possession. and i hate not being in control of myself.

everyday from monday to friday im waiting for a call from 930-1030pm.
it has become a habit such that i try not to pick up calls during that time.
when frens call, i try to call them back after 1030.
but usually, the calls dont come.
i know your busy. and often tired.
and im trying to understand, but it doesnt make me feel less hurt.
and i really feel so stupid for making the effort sometimes.

every sat, i try to find excuses to get out of the house.
and almost everytime i go out, i argue with my mum.
but what seems to happen is we just walk on our own, as if we didnt know each other.
i admit part of the fault is mine.
sometimes i just feel so mentally drained that i really cant pick up the mood to talk.
and all i need isnt words.
just a hug, or just holding my hand will really make me feel better.
but it doesnt happen.
and i know part of that is my fault. but it doesnt make it hurt less then it is.

and every week, when you book out, i feel bad that im not able to go to pasir ris and fetch you.
and i anticipate talking to you.
even when we go out we tend to do things more and dont really talk.
and i miss the times when we could talk about anything in the world.
but it seems those days are gone.
gone when studies came along,
gone when ur upset that i cant go out,
gone when i cant be bothered to take the initiative and call.
and now im killing myself waiting for the call to come.
every weekend. and it always doesnt come.
and somehow i think i have given up hope.
but i know some part of me is still waiting.

i know im giving myself an excuse. that i should be the one calling you instead,
since im so busy complaining i should just grab the phone and dial ur number.
but after a few weeks of calling and realising how busy you always are when ur out,
i figured maybe i shouldnt bother you anymore.

that day, at the suntec convention, i felt really upset.
and maybe thats what triggered the tears.
the onslaught on tears that couldnt be stopped.
when we were in the convention hall, when we got separated by the crowds gushing forward,
suddenly i could feel the physical distance and the mental barrier between both of us.

and slowly i realised, i have picked up my mask that i have left so long ago in cedar.
i start to go back to my life, doing my stuff, back to the days when i lived my life without you.
and when i meet friends, i smile, laugh and joke.
when you talk to me, i pretend im ok.
and i guess i am. because i have numbed myself already.
such that i cannot feel hurt, cannot be upset by things like that.
but deep inside i know im still waiting.
and maybe also waiting to see when i can wait until.
maybe sometime later i will realise i am not even bothered anymore.

"we are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all"

went to singapore flyer yest to
take photos with xiuqi.
and shun bian met huiwen. :3

met them for lunch actually.
but the funniest thing is
it turns out all 3 of us arent
hungry at all. HAHAHAHA.
so ended up munching food
at macs instead.

after that we reached the
SINGAPORE FLYER!!
and then i started to take
photos of the pretty pretty
architecture.
sadly the sky wasnt pretty.):
so the photos could have
been much nicer with a less
cloudy weather.
OH WELL.
after taking a lot of shots
and bugging xiuqi to teach me
the relevant skills,
we moved on to the
MINT MUSEUM OF TOYS.(:

i really like the place.
full of old toys,
treasured,
well-kept,
collected,
and protected from disintegrating
even through the years.
feels as if childhood never expires.
there will always be someone
around you experiencing
the joys of being a kid.
it may be your niece/nephew,
your sibling,
your relative,
your future kid,
or even random babies in prams
you see in shopping centres.
its as if your childhood is
a part of theirs too,
just in different generations.
and to be honest,
sometimes i dont like the
new generation of toys.
it deprives children of the need
for imaginative thought.
and they miss out all the fun
we used to have playing with
simple toys just with the help
of a vivid imagination.

The greeeeeen sky!(:
so pretty.
HAHAHAHA.

went out to meet mum for lunch
then went to toa payoh to
see the doctor for my
back bone.
i do have low tolerance for pain.
but seriously today i was reduced
to clenching my teeth in pain
and grabbing hold of the
bed leg like mad.
next time maybe i should
bring a stress ball.
i clenched my jaw so hard
that i had a sore jaw after
the session.
goodness.
and till now i still feel
my back aching like crazy.
the head-hanging-water thingy
certainly helped to worsen
my already severe headache.
seriously one day my jaw will
drop off.
with the combined efforts
of the head-hanging thingy
and the pain i feel in my back
during treatment.

then i went to vivo to
CANDY EMPIRE! :3
HOHOHOHOHO.
that place is like paradise
to me.
everything looks nice to eat,
and i wanted to buy lotsaaaa
stuff in the shop.
seriously if im the boss of
candy empire within a month
the company will go bankrupt.
HAHAHAHAHA.
ended up buying a pack of
Natural Confectionery Cocoa
Gummy Bears and a
BIG CAN of gummy bears.
(THANKS for the gummy bear
recommendation!)

the can of gummies look so cute.
its even smaller then the yupi
gummy bears,
which already is PUNY.
so it just shows how freaking
small the gummies are.
and i wanted to buy sooo
many things in the shop!
but i was reduced to only
being able to buy 2.

cause today,
i had to take cab twice.><
once cause i had to meet my
mum at tampines for lunch.
and the cab fare cost like...
$10.00
Next i chionggggg to vivo
on a cab cause i made someone
wait DAMN long and so i cabbed.
the cab fare was $16.40
and the expenditure on the
gummy bears was like
$8.70
(w/o 2% Nets...)
so in total i spent 30 over
bucks today.
WOAH.
set my bank acct back by a
lotttttttt man.
but its ok.
im determined to have my
gummies last me for a lonnng
while.MUAHAHAHAHA.
i shall be determined
not to gobble them all uppp
so soon. (:
my happy food.HAHA.

tmr going to take photos
with xiu qi!
YAY!!!!!!!!
and its time for my camera
to take a walk outside also.
its been moulding in my
cupboard. HAHAHA.

"Strangers are just family and
friends you have yet to come
to know"

i slept at 6am yesterday.
and currently the time is
11:21 am.
and i just woke up 1 1/2 hour ago.
so u can count the number
of hours i have slept with
ur 1 hand.
freaking zombie-fied.
for some reason i have had
problems sleeping the whole
bloody week.
its as if im competing with
my mum to see who will
fall asleep later.
and if we were competing
i would have won her the
whole week.

i need a sleeping pill man.
dont really like the idea
of medicine though.
im feeling like hell the whole
week trying not to fall all
over the place falling asleep
in the afternoon,
and suddenly at night time
im fully awake.
holy crap.

I NEED SLEEP.
or maybe something
that can induce sleep.
like the moment i hit the pillow
or something.
i simply cant imagine why im
so tired everyday and yet
at night im utterly zonked out
but not able to sleep.
URGH.
its incomprehendable.

i opened blogger to blog.
and i stared at an empty
page for the past 20min.
and i started stoning in
front of the com.

i dunno why im feeling
like this. i hate myself for
behaving this way.
it opposing how i usually
behave for the past 19 years.

say im a coward,
whatever.
but i dont like these new things
appearing that are outside my
comfort circle.
i find that i express my problems
more and rather then making
myself feel better somehow i
end up feeling more vulnerable.
its like suddenly my defence wall
to the world has vanished.
*poof*
without leaving me any way to
hide myself behind my exterior.

i feel that im becoming more
emotionally attached to things,
to people.
its not necessarily a bad thing
but in some circumstances i dont
really like this part of myself.
and maybe its cause im not used
to it.
and its like im becoming more and
more reliant on things and people.
i feel like im becoming a child.
like i seem to enjoy my daily
routine and pattern and
suddenly when my plan changes
i get upset easily.
like VERY easily.

and like the fact i have a soft side
to him so much that im freaking
behaving out of my personality.
like freaking hell.
and yes i know he is trying.
but maybe he is not doing the
right thing.
cause i really try very hard to
feel ok, to pick up my mood.
but its not working.
what is emitting from me is just
the fake enthusiasm that i used
to potray when i was in cedar.
the kind i use when im emo-ing
and i dont want to affect others.
the trying-to-put-up-a-brave-front
kinda thing that i used to do.
LIKE the purple gummy bear
photo i took! hahaha.
the emo gummy with a smile.LOL.

and i feel frustrated when i keep
giving myself hope and then i
see it dashed.
it happens so often im surprised
im even affected by it.
its like sat im just reduced to
sitting in the middle of nowhere
crying,
and not able to utter a single
syllable even with his constant
prodding.
i feel so hurt i couldnt even express
it in words. i just slumped there
not knowing what to do.
and after wasting time for hell
knows how long i just went home.

maybe one of these days i might
realise i stop giving myself hope.
but i dont tink im going to like the
outcome.
crap.
im willing myself to stop emo-ing.
:3

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口
谁记得
谁忘了

(我怀念的-孙燕姿)

so what happens next?

tried to lie down to sleep.
stared blankly at the dark
ceiling and got up to on
the com again.
figured its another late
night for me tonight.
if i dont die from lack of sleep
this week its a plain miracle.

i dont understand why i
am putting myself through this.
maybe its how he feels,
that im putting myself thru
this for no reason.
that what started out as
something small escalated to
a full blown emo.

maybe its true,
or maybe im just tired of
waiting for calls that will
never come.

i didnt want it to hurt
so much either.
i keep surpressing my
feelings, but it has been
accumulating so i have
reached a point of time
i dunno how to pretend
im ok anymore.

i kept telling myself its ok,
that i should be used to it,
that it doesnt hurt.
but it does.
it really does.

the tears didnt stop coming.
but now its like a desert.
no more tears will come.
and the more i wait,
the more i feel resigned to fate.
the more my heart numbs,
day by day,
hour by hour.

someone tell me what to do,
please.
i dont know what to do anymore.

dunno why im blogging
almost everyday nowadays.
maybe im really bored to bits.
but i like this 2 weeks.
no work,
more time to myself.
and i dont feel so tired.
im starting to see the perks of
being a full time tutor.HAHA.

the long awaited call finally came.
i can stop treating my phone
like my twin.haha.
i can throw it in my room alr.LOL.
yest was bad.
call alr then had to put down.
and i seriously felt worse.
i was totally gutted.
like im crying to bits and he cant talk.
lucky elina called me.
(: THANKS DEAR!(:
at least today im preoccupied with
tuition and stuff so i got no energy
to be emo. :D
and anyway after talking i feel
mucccchhh better.
just not totally ok,
so i might easily go back to emo.

ate dinner with wanlin today!
:D
long since i actually had a nice
and full dinner. proper.
since i started tuition 2 places
in a day my dinner was always
reduced to macs and kfc.
i bet the staff at hougang
macs can recognise me alr.
so i missed proper food! :D
and i had a nice time talking
to wanlin,
and eating BAKED RICE.(:
though we were both late
for our stuff,
it was well worth it.HAHA.

then,
better things came.
i saw cheryl kook at hougang mrt.
its long been since i saw anyone
from RV.
the last time i saw anyone was
sean chia, whom i saw for 2 secs
cause he zoomed past me at
boon keng mrt. HAHA.
so i had a nice chat with her
from hougang to boon keng.
man i really missed those
crazy times we had in
primary school.
maybe we really should plan
a 10-year reunion and see
how much people have changed.
i bet the guys look so much more
diff then they were.
at least most of the girls still look
the same the last time i saw them.

oh man.
i just made another girl
feel bad. HOLY CRAP.
and auntie if u actually do see this,
feeling sad is the process of getting
it out of my system!
LOL.

i suddenly like blogging.
clears my thoughts.
and since hardly anyone
reads anyway its good to use
this space to clear my thoughts.
and why do i bother to post it
online u ask?
its to alert my frens
or the minute [my-newt] population who
reads my blog that,
yes im emo, or whatever im feeling
but im still ALIVE and kicking.
HAHA.

waited for a call from 9 plus
in the morn till 5 plus.
hasnt come,
might not come.
dont know if it will.
didnt dare to leave my phone
in my room in fear the call
comes and i didnt hear it.
i dont like this kind of feeling.
really i dont.

and i freaking slept at 5am yest
playing hp games from
2am onwards.
trying hard to occupy myself,
my brain,
so maybe after im tired,
i can have a peaceful sleep.

suddenly,
with nothing to occupy yourself,
the days seem even longer then
it actually is.
and waiting to fall asleep is
plain agony.
i lost track how many times
i replayed mario in the desperateness
to fall asleep.
thank god im not working
this week.
i will comfirm die de.haha.
and elina im sorry for keeping
you up though u have sch! ><
or stuff like that.haha.

ok another rant post.
if u feel that im ranting
then just ignore this post.

i feel sad.
but i dunno how to let it out.
like all the 怨气stuck inside
me like that cannot release.
soon i might just explode.
HAHAHAHAHA.
like volcano like that.

its like i wanna talk.
settle all the problems.
but i never did get the chance to
not yesterday, not today.
and most likely not tmr.
and definitely not with
10 mins plus a day.
means i most likely cannot get
it out of the system.
so it will prob linger for a long
long lonngggg time.

but oh well.
there is nothing i can do
on my own.
not as if talking to myself
will help at all.

maybe im just ki-siaoing.
but for one of the only times
in my life, it hurts to stand
alone and realise your on
your own.
like even if ur out shopping
with your family;
your out with your frens;
out with him;
with people swirling around
you, you still feel lonely.
or maybe its just me.haha.
thats why i believe
在人群中觉得寂寞，
永远会比独自一个人
觉得寂寞时可怕。

its like,
the one and only time i
actually ask for help,
the time i set down my pride
to let myself be vulnerable,
i was told he doesnt know
how to help,
that he cant help.

i sound like im whining.
and i hate myself for it.
but i have never let myself
be vulnerable to others
before. frens, family and all.
i have been headstrong,
stubborn, unmovable,
whatever people call me.
and thats my line of defense.
to protect myself from
being hurt.

and the one time i set off
my pride to ask for help,
i was rejected.
i felt as though i had offered
my heart on a plate and
it was squashed then returned
to me.
it hurt that much.
why so much,
i cant comprehend myself.
its a lousy analogy but that
is how much it hurt.

to be honest,
im scared of myself.
really.
no matter how absurd it sounds.
to some extent,
i know myself pretty well.
or rather i believe i know
myself pretty well.
i know at most part of my strengths,
my weaknesses.
though sometimes some unsuspecting
characteristic surfaces,
i generally still think i know
myself relatively well.

and i know that when im still
considering and thinking about
things, normally my will is hard
to shift. most of the time i will
still end up making a decision
that is similar to the first concept
i came upon.
but i can still be swayed.
but the moment i make a decision,
i know that my decision cant be
swayed.
and when im upset im rash.
and both of these combined its
a lethal combination.
i seriously might end up
doing something i will regret.
thats why im scared of myself.

whats wrong with me?

i realised after sooooo long
i didnt know him. like AT ALL.
like after...
*counts*
4 years.
ok with 1 1/2 of no contact.
but then i believed i knew him,
like i believed i know my frens
to a certain extent.
and i just realised i was wrong.
like that day after talking to her.
its like he had to say that
just after i was hurt.
as if it was to hurt me further.
like when he knew clearly what
was going on, and i was left in
the dark.

at least for the most part of the
time till now i always gave the
benefit of the doubt.
now when i really know,
i felt so stupid.
really stupid.
and i realised a lot of what he
did was because of the male ego.
and suddenly i realised.
maybe i didnt know him that
well after all.
maybe he was like this all the
time, just i was too blind to see,
or maybe i just didnt realise.

so what would have happened
if she had accepted.
would things have changed?
would things have become worse?

and now he has hurt her.
so what does it say then?
then maybe in the first place he
never did change?
just that people fail to see this
aspect of him?

maybe i would have been better
off not knowing.
then i wouldnt start to guess his
initial intentions.
for one of the only times
in my life, i truely believe
ignorance is bliss.

'what you think vs what it really is'

i was just thinking about things.
i just told her a lot a lot a lot
of things i dont normally tell anyone.
not even most of my frens.
to be exact from then till now i
doubt many people really knew
what happened.

most of them didnt know the specifics.
cause i got over it and didnt see
the need to dig out the past.
starting when i just started talking i
felt weird. got a bit grumpy.
maybe i just felt weird talking about
all these after so long.
its like it i was talking about someone
else, and the subject of the incident
wasnt me and was another person.

but as time passed i felt relaxed,
felt calm and composed.
maybe its cause all the things i
ought to have told someone in the
first place, and i might have gotten
over it faster.
but i truely doubt so.
i believe its cause of our special r/s,
me and her,
that cause me to feel some sort of
closure i should have felt eons ago.

and the most interesting thing i have
realised is that i do not hate her.
i dont.
or him either, at any case.

and now i just hope, really hope,
that im doing the right thing.
or rather things i will not regret
about doing in the future.
i really dont know if i have the energy
to pick the pieces of myself off the
floor if it happens again.
what if i dont?
then what will happen to me?

i see everyone look so gan jiong over
uni acceptances i feel like im blowing
up my problems to more then it
actually is.

its like everyone is worrying to bits
waiting patiently for their uni letters.
i must be the most bo chap one
that i actually know man.
its not like i dont care about getting
an offer. but i just dont feel the anxious
feeling everyone is feeling,
nor the the "YEAH!" feeling when i
finally did get my letter.
haha. maybe i got numb from waiting
and the long tedious application
process so all my jittery nerves
have all disappeared.

and the funniest thing is i didnt feel the
kind of exhilaration people are
SUPPOSED to feel when they actually
get into the course they want.
maybe, just maybe deep inside me
i dont feel that com engine is what
i wanna do. haha.
but like what my aunt says.
just get the degree and the rest will follow.
whether i still wanna be in the IT
industry, or i wanna get a job in another
industry, just get the degree first
then say.

so WTH i have to make do with
com engine whether i will eventually
like it...or not.

another problem is i face is which uni
to actually go to. im sick of myself
ranting to ppl and asking suggestions
from ppl who are miserable enough
waiting for their own letters.
haha. so i shall rant here instead then.
like what my bro told me:

"at least u got into the course u
applied for as ur first choice."

yup. but now i have to choose btw
nus and ntu. one sch i like but its
too freaking far away.
[like why is it in freaking JURONG?]
and the other sch.
and INTERESTINGLY,
the buses near my house travels to
the east, north, south and central.
ALLLLL but west.
what is this man. =________=

and what with mugging in sch late,
future tuition lessons,
travelling time on the bus,
transport fares,
my parents, grandparents.
all point me towards NUS.

noooo~
i like ntu com engine better.
damn it.

now its the choice btw
practicality and what i really
think i want.

goodness. am i even going to
survive traveling for 1 hr plus
after the horror of going to
mj which alr took me almost 1 hour?

rationallity vs irrationality?
or just practicallity vs wish?